It's 3AM and I Don't Want To Be A Mom
Sometimes when I'm up in the middle of the night nursing, my thoughts are all over the place and sometimes I have the thought that I don't want to be a Mom. It's true. That's not to say that I don't freaking love my kids because I love them more than life! I'm really not sure if it's just a phase or my young age but some days I just can't do it (I mean I do anyway because I literally have no choice-but those are the "grumpy" mom days). It seems that with a three year old and a three month old- it never stops, there is always a mess, always a struggle, one or the other seems to always need something. I literally feel like sometimes if I don't get just 5 minutes of complete silence that I'm going to rip all of my hair out (which I don't know how that would work since I get teary eyed just brushing my tangles out...) This all seems so dumb and silly after the moment is gone and I am finally by myself at night while they are sleeping but while it is happening, literally THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. My toddler somehow manages to be overly sweet and adorable one minute to painstakingly annoying and needy the next.. and no I am not a patient person.
I've thought long and hard about these feelings that I get and the unavoidable guilt that comes from feeling that way and all I can come up with is.. maybe mothering just doesn't come natural to me. Or maybe just the nurturing part. I LOVE playing with my kids and being silly, making them laugh and me laughing until I cry are my favorite parts of the day. Yet for some reason when it comes to being patient when she insists on getting dressed at negative 10 miles per hour, or being understanding when she yells and cries because I made her the wrong sandwich for lunch, or being slow to anger when she ignores what I'm asking her to do and literally does the opposite. My husband is much better at these things than I am. He's always been the kinder, more patient, and comforting one in our family. And I really am grateful for that because he puts up with a lot from all 3 of us and I would be a hot mess without him that's for sure! While I do feel guilty, I feel like what I'm going through and feeling at times is not only normal, I think it's very common. Most people are just too afraid to admit to it or talk about it but I think we should. I mean, why isn't it normal for a person to not want to be 100% selfless and happy and patient and positive ALL the time and EVERY day? Parenting is tough and yes "we did choose to have children" but we also choose to have jobs and clean our toilets and we usually stick to those too.
My main point in all this is not that I deserve a pity party or a trophy for "keeping it together," I just came to the realization that it's NOT ABOUT ME. Well duh. But really, while I know my own needs and interests are important and that I need to maintain my own identity and personal happiness, mothering is not about me-it never will be. Whether I want to be a mom some days or not, I am the ONLY mom these two littles have. Whether or not I feel at times like I don't need them, they NEED me. While children tend to see the world with rose colored glasses and happily believe that it evolves around them, they also see and feel when they aren't wanted. Before I became a mother, I swore to myself that my mantra for my kids was going to be "you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved, you are ours." That mantra is hanging on the wall in my kids' bedroom and maybe I need it in mine too since I seem to be needing the reminder. Even if they won't remember any of these early years and the times I lost my cool, or spoke rudely to them; I still think it makes an impression. And do I really want my kids thinking of me or remembering me as their mom who "didn't want to be there?"
I'm not ever going to be a perfect mom and I'm not trying to be. I just start every day reminding myself to TRY. Try to be kinder, try to be more understanding, try to be stronger, try to be more patient. And if I can't some days, that's OKAY. I just can't let the "bad" days out number the good days because yes there are SO many good good good days that I love being a mom. And even at the end of the not so good days, I still love being a mom and you know what? Overall, I am a pretty damn good mom. ><Holly><